Raising Neurodiverse Kids With Confidence With Melissa Jackson
Is parenting a neurodiverse child leaving you feeling overwhelmed and unsure? You’re not alone. In a society that often privileges one way of thinking, many parents struggle to see past the challenges and labels. But what if the key to unlocking your child’s true potential—and building their confidence—starts not with fixing their "problems," but with regulating your own nervous system?
In this powerful conversation, we sit down with Melissa Jackson, The Neurodiversity Advocate, to explore the shift from a deficit-based mindset to strength-based parenting. Discover why coregulation is everything and how modeling self-compassion and setting boundaries gives your child permission to thrive. If you want practical, whole-person strategies for raising a resilient and confident neurodiverse kid, this is a must-read.
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Listen to the podcast here
Raising Neurodiverse Kids With Confidence With Melissa Jackson
We are so grateful to have Melissa Jackson with us who I'm going to let introduce herself as we move forward for a discussion on resilient parenting. Welcome, Melissa. Thank you so much for joining us.
Yeah, thanks for having me, Kate. It’s a pleasure.
I would love it if you could just give us a little bit of an overview of your work, who you are, where you're coming from with it all. That would be amazing.
Transitioning From Educator To Trauma-Informed Coach Focusing On The Nervous System
I originally started as a teacher in the classroom. Really had this pivotal moment in my work when my daughter was diagnosed with dyslexia and realized that as an educator, I wasn't provided the tools to really meet the needs of different types of learners. I also have ADHD and realized I was dyslexic through my daughter's diagnosis. I went back to school, got my Master's in Cognitive Diversity in Education and really started advocating for kids in the classroom and designing strength-based plans that met kids who thought differently but were super bright and capable in a way that identified their strengths and really supported them through a strength-based lens.
As I started doing that work, I started to realize really what was at the root was the nervous system and families and how do we create safe space for kids where their nervous systems feel safe and they're receptive to learning because as we know, when we're in fight or flight, we really can't receive information. I breadcrumbed my way to this place of wanting to get to the root of really supporting children and families and landed myself in the work of trauma-informed coaching. It came full circle to really how do we support women, parents, mothers in supporting their children.
What I found in doing some research in the field that was published in Gifted Child Today around strength-based strategies for mothers is that when we support women in regulating their nervous system, it trickles down in how our kids thrive. That was really this pivotal moment where I started working more with families and not so much directly in the classroom. That's where I find myself now, supporting parents and kids really more holistically from a strength-based place but also from a nervous system standpoint and how we create safety in our own bodies so we can create safety for our children to thrive.
So much in what you just said, I love. Resonate so much with my approach as a psychologist as well as a lot of what we've lived here in terms of learning differences and such with our own kids. We have twins who have very different learning styles and one of them struggled particularly early on with the phonological processing and all of that. It was thought that he was dyslexic for a bit but then that was shifted and I think more of the processing issue was at the core of it. He has, with various interventions and various strength-based strategies, come to a place now where he's absolutely thriving in the classroom.
However, as parents, what my husband and I were focused on was helping each of our kids to thrive within their own unique contexts despite the fact they're twins, very different contexts. Oftentimes that does come down to that understanding of what's happening as well as that implementation of a strength-based approach because we don't want our kids to identify as, "This is my challenge, this is always going to be my challenge. I'm never going to be able to move forward through this thing." How can we use their strengths to navigate through and beyond the challenge, which will always probably be a challenge? That has to be integrated. Such a process and I absolutely love that. The nervous system piece, huge.
The Importance Of Reframing Labels And Identifying Strengths
It's huge. I'm so with you when you talk about for me labels are tricky because I feel like they're so important. They're a window into understanding and gaining insight into how we can serve and support. It can be sticky when we start to identify with certain things. They can become limiting, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. We identify with, "I can't do this because I'm this way."
What I’ve really realized being in this field is that we're having these human experiences and yes there's different neuro wiring and we different environments are better for different types of wiring. Also, at the core of it, we're humans and we all have strengths and we all have weaknesses and that is how we are built. We're in this culture, this society, this school system that's really normalized and even privileged that there's a right way to do and be and it's just not true.
It's conditioning, but we've all bought into it unconsciously and then we put people in these boxes, "Well you don't fit into this, so that let's put this label on you and you have these problems that need to be fixed." where I come from is like there's really no problem to be fixed. We don't need to be fixing people. We need to be helping people understand the way that they thrive, the way they're wired and creating environments for them to be successful. It's like that frame and perspective.
To empower kids, to empower adults in seeing that things are going to be hard for all of us and that's normal, it's part of being human. It doesn't mean that you're less than or not as bright or there's just so many toxic messages we can pick up as children in the classroom that stay with us our whole lives thinking we're not as bright or smart or something's wrong.
When we support women in regulating their nervous systems, it trickles down into how our kids thrive.
Often, we have more highly sensitive nervous systems so we're too much, we're too sensitive, we feel too deep, all of these negative connotations that can become limiting beliefs that impact our self-confidence and really limit how self-actualized we can be and it's really all illusion. It's not true. It's just based on a privileged way of this is the right way to think, learn, and do whether you're a child in the classroom, whether you're an adult in the workplace and I just don't believe that's true. I think that that the gift is giving people insight into what they do well and then helping them determine how can we create environments that support that.
Yes, it's this idea of not letting our relative challenges hold us back, define us.
So much of it is how we relate to it in our own mind. That's so much of the work I help people with too. It's like we unconsciously have taken on so many messages from the time we're little that then how we're relating to like, "This thing is hard for me, I'm not good at this particular thing, I'm not as organized or I struggle with my working memory," or whatever our particular challenges are, how we relate to that and how we talk to ourselves, that inner voice, is everything. It's like when we can catch that and reframe the way we relate to ourselves, I’ve found that as really one of the most powerful changes we can make.
That is very powerful and spot on. In terms of nervous system regulation for us as moms, because it's hard for us as moms to see our child struggle, among all the other things that are hard for us as moms because we're juggling so much and so many messages and tasks and things are coming at us from so many different directions.
Really, at the core of it is if we have a child struggling with something that exacerbates our own struggle in some way. How do you help moms to modulate their nervous systems so that perhaps it's a little bit easier to step in and show up fully to help their child with whatever it is they're struggling with or find the path for their child to move forward, that kind of thing?
Modulating The Mother's Nervous System By Separating Self From Child's Experience
It's so hard and it's so hard as moms because we're so emotionally invested and connected to our kids that I feel like the first step is separating ourselves from our child. It's so easy to become enmeshed in their experience and then when we have our own experiences because we're humans who have lived a life and have our own wounds and we can be triggered by what our child is going through. If we're not aware of our own stuff, it can bleed into how we show up for them.
I do a lot of work with women around getting to the root of their own reparenting, really, of being that loving adult for themselves where they can ground and find their own center first and then they can show up for their child .when we're bleeding together, your child's having an experience in the classroom that maybe pokes at something you went through as a kid, we're not really responding to the present moment.
We're responding to this old, unhealed wound that happened to us when we were eight and that teacher embarrassed us and now, we want to take it out on our kid's teacher who's doing it to our kid. It's like if we're not aware of our own experiences and have gone back and given ourselves a new narrative and know how to ground into the present moment to then be present for our child, it's very easy to just get wrapped up in that loophole of reacting rather than responding in a way that's going to make our kid feel safe and seen.
Coregulation is everything and so in order to coregulate and provide that safety for our child to feel safe, it starts with us. So much of what I’ve found in the work that I do is it people want help with their child. Yes, we absolutely do want to do that. The problem is if we don't help ourselves first, you can have all the tips and tricks in the world. If we're not delivering it through a regulated nervous system where we know how to ground and show up in a way that isn't in this reactive fight or flight, those tips and tricks aren't going to land for our kid. It really starts with us in meeting our own needs and knowing how to find safety in our own bodies to pause and give ourselves what we need so we can show up for them. If that makes sense.
That's actually at the core of my new book Step Away: The Keys to Resilient Parenting. This idea of how we can optimize within ourselves as parents so that we can show up fully for our kids, our families, really across the domains of our lives.
I think sometimes as women, we've been told like it's selfish to take care of ourselves. There's a narrative of like we have to do everything for everyone else and over give and over function and that's what makes us a good mom or a good person. It's really, again, that internal narrative within ourselves of reframing how we relate to that message. Actually, I'm being a good parent to my child by modeling for them how to take care of myself. Now I'm giving them permission to take care of themselves. Not only am I showing up in a healthier way but I'm giving them permission to live their lives in a way that honors their needs too.
As women, we’re told it’s selfish to take care of ourselves. There’s a narrative that being a good mom or a good person means doing everything for everyone else—overgiving, overfunctioning, and always putting yourself last. The work is learning to reframe that internal story.
That can show up in so many different ways. Going out for dinner with a mom friend on a Wednesday night and having somebody else look after the kids or reengaging with an old hobby that you loved prior to kids and family and all the rest of it that took your focus away from that thing that you were passionate about once upon a time.
Sometimes, it's hard to move through. At least for me, I had to go through a phase where I moved through like it felt unsafe in my body to be like, "I'm not available because I'm doing this thing for myself. I'm going to dinner with a girlfriend. I'm going to exercise right now and you're going to have to wait an hour until I can help you with that thing." I was so enmeshed in feeling like being a good mom was just giving with no boundaries that it took a while to retrain my nervous system to realize that it is healthy to invest in myself.
It is healthy to take space and even to show my kids when I'm struggling. That was another thing I used to feel like. If I showed my kids that I was having a hard time or feeling emotional or I was sad, that would be a burden on them I didn't want them to have. What I started to realize was I was giving them permission to feel their feelings and be vulnerable by letting them know when I was having a hard time. Modeling for them how I show up for myself when I'm having a hard time.
I think that ability for us as parents to be transparent and share with our kids in a developmentally appropriate way when we're struggling or if we've had a challenge is vital. It's part of that authentic human relationship because otherwise, what we're doing is we're setting up this false model of perfection.
Mom and Dad, we've never struggled. What? Of course we have. Challenges everywhere. Allowing our kids to see that challenge happens and that we're able to navigate it, might not be easy, might not be pretty, but we're able to ultimately move forward through and beyond the challenge. That is a really important message, I believe, to be giving our kids and definitely integrated into that authentic human relationship. I love what you just said.
I agree. It normalizes that life is bumpy. If we're like, "Everything is fine and I'm always good," then they feel like they can't express or have a hard time or they've got to keep it all bottled up. I don't know, I think just embracing more that life is messy and hard, that's normal and here are tools to help us move through it.
I'm not afraid of your big feelings when you're feeling a lot especially with the neurodivergent community, they're highly sensitive. We feel things so deeply. We can take on messaging like something's wrong with me if I'm feeling so much that maybe doesn't impact someone else as deeply. I think just being there and not being afraid of those things and being open to hold space for all of the emotions because that's really just part of being human is just sets kids up to feel freer in their lives and be more transparent and vulnerable and authentic as they move into adulthood.
It gives them that permission to share openly when they're struggling. Our ability also to sit with that and not try to jump in there and fix or give direct suggestions on how to handle. It’s so hard.
It's the knee-jerk reaction. We want to fix it because it's so painful for us to see our kids struggle that it's like we just want to create a solution. Let's make this go away. It's like this dual awareness of what's being activated within me and then having the tools to even take a pause. Saying out loud to your child, "I need to take a break to sit with this or I'm going to go on a little walk and come back because I'm feeling activated and want to really show up and hold space for you in this way."
Integrating Daily Techniques To Modulate Stress Response
One thing that's really helpful in all of this is having a technique or strategy integrated into your day-to-day that helps to modulate your stress response. If we're always showing up here and then a challenge hits, we're probably going to escalate to the point of shutdown. One that I really love and I don't know if you've heard of this one is called the relaxation response. It was designed by a physician in Boston in the 1970s named Herbert Benson.
I'm not familiar.
Super simple technique where you come up with a word or phrase that you find soothing in some way and you breathe. Five minutes in the morning, five minutes later in the day, so not a huge commitment but you're booking the day of what it feels like to be in that more stress-modulated space because oftentimes, we're moving so fast that we don't we don't know what that feels like. Our baseline is up here and that's what drives a lot of the feelings of overwhelm and burnout and chaos and all of that. Baking in a strategy that really helps to modulate I find is really helpful for myself and many of my clients.
Doing that those things even when we don't need it. I believe it's Deb Dana who says we do these practices when we don't need it so they're there for us when we do. It's like if we wait until we're in complete shutdown or fight or flight to implement these self-regulating practices, it's much harder. Whereas if we're making it part of our daily routine to do things like you just shared like I know what works for my nervous system.
I need to prioritize a walk outside each day for ten minutes or go put my feet on the ground and sit in the sunshine and just breathe or whatever your thing is to just it creates more fluency in our nervous system so that when the triggers, activating things, the things that poke at our wounds come up, we have more flexibility to ground into what we know works for us. If we're never doing that, like you said, we're always just in that fight or flight we're not our baseline is way up here, it's harder to bring ourselves back and like show up in the way that we want.
Recognizing That Nervous System Regulation Is Not One-Size-Fits-All And Avoiding Comparison
I think in what you were just talking about is there's no one size fits all any of this. What might work for me might not work for you, for our friends or for the moms that we see at school who appear to have it all together and have everything buttoned up. Rarely is that the case right because what we're seeing on the surface either in the classroom, in school, in the pickup line or what have you or even worse, on Instagram, likely is just the highlight reel.
I think it's just knowing that that you know again that internal narrative of comparison, it's knowing that that's not real. We all have our struggles and we all have our challenges. To your point, it's not a one size fits all in the things that work for us and regulating our nervous system. I have a quiz that I will share with you that people can opt into and it helps you identify what state you're in in your nervous system. I walk people through guided somatic practices and they can figure out which ones resonate because what's a high pay for my nervous system might not be a high payoff for your nervous system.
Developing a little toolkit of like when I feel anxious or when I feel myself shutting down and going into freeze, this is the tool that works for me. It takes trying them all out to know what your body responds to because we're all different and unique and what works for me isn't going to necessarily work for you. I think creating that for ourselves, like doing the work before we need it so it's there for us when we do and we're like "I'm feeling this way this is the thing that works for me," is very empowering.
Absolutely. In doing all of this, we're really modeling for our kids and helping them to build that foundation of resilience as they move forward. As they get older, the stakes get higher, the challenges get more intense. Such an important piece that we're offering them as we're caring for ourselves.
It's just a win-win. We're modeling for them how to do it right because they're looking to us to how to be adult how to be people humans in the world. When we're letting ourselves be vulnerable and like "I'm feeling anxious. I'm going to do a little breathing and tapping before I go into this meeting," and we're talking out loud and sharing these parts of ourselves, it's like, "That's normal," then they get to explore and do that. What a gift.
If we wait until we’re in complete shutdown or fight-or-flight to practice self-regulation, it becomes much harder to do.
Curious, I always ask my guests, what defines them outside of the amazing work that they do.
I think I'm just a seeker of truth. My work has just evolved and I feel like I am just flowing with where it leads me and that I can be of service to this community and show up in a way that is really fulfilling to me and supporting families. That really is at the root of who I am and what I enjoy doing and how I like to show up in my life.
Melissa, where can my readers learn more, connect with you, all that good stuff?
Yes. I am on Instagram @Neurodiversity_Advocate. You can also connect with me through my website, which is TheNeurodiversityAdvocate.com. I am also on Substack.
Any central takeaways, last-minute pieces of advice that you'd like to leave us with?
I think just a reminder to be gentle with yourself as mothers, as women, as parents and just really give yourself permission to honor your own needs and be there for yourself because it really is such a gift to everyone in your life.
Such a powerful message. Thank you so much for joining us here. This has been a wonderful conversation.
Thanks for having me.
Important Links
About Melissa Jackson
Melissa Jackson is a dyslexic mother and Neurodiversity Advocate who helps overwhelmed moms understand their brain and body so they can parent with more connection and less burnout.
Through her work in nervous system regulation and reparenting, she guides mothers to decode their protective patterns and transform moments of overwhelm into opportunities for healing.
Melissa supports neurodivergent mothers of all kinds—ADHD, dyslexic, highly sensitive, or simply overloaded—with practical tools that are compassionate and realistic.
She also created the “Decode Your Nervous System” quiz to help mothers find personalized regulation strategies that truly work for them.